Sunday, February 28, 2010

Guide to Bachelorhood: Tip #3

Tip #3: Be “nice”.

Women develop plans for men in their head early on. They love nothing more than to have a guy around to help with chores and errands. Anything from washing dishes or doing laundry to building shelves or taking out the trash can help you gain a woman’s heart. They are just little, simple things, but they are key when trying to win a woman over. Soon they think to themselves, “Excellent, this guy can help me grocery shop, help me move in with him if things go well, and maybe even one day change our guest room into a nursery.” No. No he cannot. And do you know why? Because he’s read this. He’s wise to your trickery, ladies. 

The key to this tip is acting. If a girl can fake an orgasm, you can fake like you’re foreign to dish washing. But you must be careful here. Never let her see you do something that you never want to do again. This is something that needs to be set up well in advance. It’s a two-step process and if Step 1 is executed well enough, you’re in the clear. Step 2 is for emergency situations in which you may be assaulted by a pretty girl’s feelings and love. Ugh.

Step 1: Scare her off from the get go.

Yeah, women in a relationship love guys doing things for them, but they want to feel like they have earned it. While it may seem counter intuitive, doing or offering to do things for women you’re not with gets rid of them quick, fast and in a hurry. Some of them (known as bitches) will let you follow through with some offers. Don’t back down. Go to Sephora with them. Go pick up their dog from the vet. Drive them to and from the doctor and pick up their medication. Play your cards right and… Congratulations, you’re a desperate, clingy pushover! Way to get the hell out of the way of that potential girlfriend.
Ugh... Weekend chores.
However, if you didn’t execute that to perfection, you have just dug yourself into a bit of a hole. Proceed to Step 2.

Step 2: Mess things up “accidentally.”

Nice work dumbass. You have failed Step 1 while also letting her know you are capable of doing a few select things. Luckily, if you took good notes, she doesn’t know you can perform tasks you absolutely despise and won’t assume you can do them. And, fortunately for you, two people high on illegal substances decided to fornicate 25 years ago and nine months later I began to develop (very) slowly to come to your rescue. So listen well, and EXECUTE this time. You are in very dangerous territory.

Now that you have a girl hanging around, (we’ll call her… “Bad Idea”) you’re in some trouble. Bad Idea was a bad idea from the start. She has not bought into your crappily acted charade of pretending to want to do things for her. But it’s okay, there’s still an out. 

At this point, she is doing a million things to manipulate you. Consider that a low end estimate. You will need to focus on just two of these things, one constant and one variable. She is determining whether you have interest in her (the constant; you clearly do), and she is sizing you up to see if you are a capable male specimen (the variable). By now, you clearly have fallen victim to all of Bad Idea’s traps. Who wouldn’t? She’s a seductress. She has pheromones, ovaries and boobs. It’s like Mike Tyson in his prime, fighting a midget dipped in concrete. It’s really not even fair. Those things have been making bad ideas seem great since the dawn of time (the physiological things, not Tyson and the midget). And because you didn’t run far enough or fast enough, she’s now asking you to perform every day tasks. Damn it. So, you have to attack the variable, if you can still see clearly through her trickery. Time to fake that orgasm.

Feed Fluffy? No problem!
You’ll need to focus and pay close attention to her for any chances to showcase your lack of skills here. Especially since she knows you are capable of some of the things you performed for her when trying to scare her off initially. So take the next dishwashing opportunity to break a couple glasses. Offer to fold some laundry and mismatch her socks. DVR the wrong show. Tell her all about the weird thing you watched Toodles, her dog, eat near the dumpster on your walk. Buy her the wrong tampons. Make sure to be openly proud of all of this.

“There’s eight dishes left still. That’s like a B! High five!”

“I just thought you would look cute with one pink sock and one black one. Kelly did it one time in Saved by the Bell.”

“I was going to record Dancing with the Stars, but then I remembered you liked that football player who was on it last season. So, when I saw that Dallas was playing Philadelphia I remembered his cousin twice removed was the backup guard for the Eagles. I knew you wouldn’t want to miss that!”

“That condom outside didn’t look used or anything, Toodles is going to be fine. I couldn’t believe he could swallow it! I like Toodles! …But yeah, I probably should have told you before he licked your face.” 

“I went to get tampons when I saw that bulk 2-ply toilet paper was on sale for even less! Phh, who the hell would buy tampons?!”

Now, unless you’re dating Jill Taylor from Home Improvement, you’re set. One day, your Bad Idea wants to get the reward she has earned by fooling you into liking her, the next day, you’re nothing but a story she tells to her friends. Now, you’re Bad Idea’s bad idea. Plus, you have TP for the next couple of months and can sleep a bit better knowing there are two less Twilight novelty glasses in existence. Victories all around.

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