Friday, February 26, 2010

Parenting 101: Babies

Gather round, Katie, and listen well.

Why do we always feel the urge to lie to children? My seven year old niece asked my sister a couple days ago where babies came from. I have always been a proponent of telling children like it is. I think when it comes to things like these though, it’s the parent’s responsibility. My sister asked me what she should do, and I began to think of exactly how I would handle this situation if it were my daughter…

“’Where do babies come from?’ You ask. Girls! They grow inside of girls. They start out very small and slowly grow into tiny people by eating all of your delicious food and drinking all of your drinks. They even use the bathroom inside of you. And then one day, they erupt from the most painful place you can possibly think of! There’s blood and guts everywhere.

I know. That is gross. Very gross.

How do they get there? Boys! When boys are born, they try every day to put a tiny invisible baby seed inside of girls. They will stop at no length to do this.

How do they get the seed in there? By tricking you. Boys are very tricky and you should never trust them. You should only trust adults. You know what? No, just trust me and your mother because sometimes adults are evil little boys in disguises. Most are horrible disguises, they drive in vans and wear moustaches that look thin and fake and always have candy.

Why would they want to trick you? That’s simple! It’s because they are very evil. Once there was a world full of pixies and magic dust and fun and rainbows and ponies (that my producer Tera Cates just told me aren’t ponies, they’re actually butterflies but may in fact even be moths). There were unicorns and streams and it was always sunny and the grass was green and everyone was friends and had fun. There was fun and running and playing and family and candy and treats. And there were birds and fun and cakes and pies and Dora the Explorer. Then one day, there were some clouds off in the distance. These clouds start out a fluffy white and turn a little grey. Then they moved to a darker shade of grey as they got closer and then soon turned an awful pitch black as they began to block out the sun. The clouds appeared to start raining, but as the rain drops got closer, you could see that they were actually young boys. These boys were everywhere. They started running around with sling shots and rocks and started killing moth-looking ponies, unicorns, butterflies, birds, everything. And eating them. And laughing about it. That is why there are no unicorns. Boys killed and ate them. Alive. True story.

I know. That is horrible. Very horrible.

How can you avoid being tricked by these evil boys? By avoiding boys altogether. Never get close to boys unless under adult supervision and probably not even then. Definitely try smelling bad. And wearing baggy clothes. And never wear makeup. And, if you want to be extra safe, we can go get your head shaved right now. I would also suggest an eye patch, but I want you to repel with ugliness, not attract with awesomeness.

Yes, princesses are pretty, but that is only in the movies. Boys make those movies. They make them so that they fool girls into thinking that it is best to look pretty and wear dresses when in reality, that’s the worst thing you could possibly do. I know there will be other girls claiming to be prettier than you and picking on you, but they are just foolish and buy into the tricks. Leave them alone. You want them there to take the attention of the boys, so that you can sneak around all bald and smelly and undetected.

So to recap, Katie, babies come from pony-eating, species-ending, false-idea-implanting, eye-patch-loving, tricky, evil little boys who want to cause you horrible physical pain and make you fat by planting a seed in you which grows into a small person that poops in you.

Any more questions? Yes, Dora escaped completely unscathed from the massacre. And yes, she appears to hang out with boys, but Diego is really a stealthy girl. Did you know Diego smells bad and wears baggy clothes? She knows the secret to life and all about where babies come from.

Remind me to tell you about Santa Clause one day soon. Good night!”

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