Friday, February 26, 2010

Guide to Bachelorhood: Tip #2

Tip #2: Women love stupid things. Love them too.

I am a fairly girly guy. I like romantic comedies, picnics, cuddling and the idea that love might exist. Women claim to be receptive of this. They are not. It’s all a ploy. 

Have you ever heard a woman tell you all about how much they love a book, a show, or a movie? We all have. I have come to learn that if you so choose to maintain bachelorhood status, take good notes during this process. This is your cue to follow it up with something like “You love Twilight?! I love Twilight! I have read the whole series. Twice.” Women claim to like things that suck as a means of determining if guys like things that suck too. From what I can gather, women seem to have a preinstalled reverse psychology mechanism built in. They try to trick you into liking things they like, because they want to laugh at you in secret for actually liking it. (For the record, I have not read Twilight. I have read Harry Potter. It was okay.) 

How many pictures at platform 9 3/4 is too many?
A better way to use this great woman-deterring strategy is to rapidly pop off all of the lame crap you love. Even if you don’t love it. Sample dialog:

Girl: “So what kind of shows do you watch?”
You: “Oh, man, I don’t even know where to start. I always debate who is better… I mean, Ellen? Or Oprah? Really, can you go wrong?” 
Girl: “Oh, I love them! I watch them all the time!”
You: “Oh, I can’t get enough of them, I DVR them every day. Even reruns. My DVR is like 74% full of just old saved episodes of Oprah and Ellen. Oh! And The Barefoot Contessa. I like to cook. No… I LOVE to cook. You should come over some night, I’ll cook for you and we can watch How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.”

Aaaand so on. 

Not many things keep you single like trying to appeal to a woman by liking some of the things she likes. Sometimes it’s best to just nip it in the bud and list it all out in your social network profile. Some things are “gimmes” and some are a little more complex. A good example of a “gimme” is to just list the things you have stored in your head (from the mental notes I told you to take) that the vast majority of women universally claim to love, like American Idol, the song “Fireflies” by Owl City (the illegitimate child of Death Cab for Cutie and Postal Service) or expensive clothes. A relatively complex (and possibly more effective) way is to add quotes directly from popular book series’ like Twilight, as if you live your life by the various lessons you’ve learned throughout the entire series. You might want to pick the second or even third book in the series to lead on that you have in fact read all of them even though we all know men don’t read. We have secrets we hide from them too, like not actually being able to read or not being able to hear women when they talk and being able to talk to koala bears and turtles. But let’s keep this to ourselves. 

The bottom line is, learn all about the things they love, and mention them in conversation. Potential relationship: Avoided. That was close.


  1. Haha. This is a somewhat accurate. I would like to add though, that it is not necessarily liking the things, but gushing over stuff like some tween at the mall that is actually the unattractive part -- especially if you sound at all insincere (douche) or reminiscent of Chris Crocker (flaming).

  2. It's funny that this is unacceptable outside of a relationship, but the woman always tries to get the man to do it inside of the relationship. Women are tricky business.

  3. Phh, I could write amazing Guides to Bachelorettehood, but I don't know if that's a good idea.

  4. HA. -I- could write amazing guides to bachelorettehood, but since I don't really like people, I keep most of my tips to my bachelorette self. But isn't it the loner girl who gets the sexy vampire? You know, in Twilight? Have you seen that movie? Did you like it? Don't act like you didn't like it! *squeee* What were we talking about? Where's MY Edward? My first tip for staying a bachelorette would probably be "having your shit together" because I know too many guys that can't resist a girl with a case of the crazies. Right, right?! Who's crazy now?!?! That there is full circle shiz. Assume a lady's pen-name and write a guide to bachelorettehood, I dare you!

  5. I am absolutely on board with that idea. As soon as something pops into my head, it's on.