Monday, November 8, 2010

Guide to Bachelorhood: Tip #7

Tip #7: Invest in Couches a Plenty

When women are sizing up their potential mates, they always look at everything they may come with. Including, but not limited to: face, body, smell, clothes, car, jewelry, hair, and residence. For our purposes we will be focusing on the residence. Namely, the seating arrangements. A sure fire way to avoid women is to have an abundance of seating. Especially couches and man chairs.

Women are active beings. They are always doing something, or at least making it seem like they’re doing something with their witchcraft trickery. They never want to appear to have nothing to do. For guys, that’s never an issue. Our first inclination when we are alone and without task is to turn on football, catch up on the DVR or play video games. And when that fails, we are always down for a more, uhh… private alone task. We cherish all of that time (some of it significantly more than others). These are all things that require sitting. Women are greatly adverse to this. So much so that they will go out of their ways to ensure you cannot sit, forcing you out of all of these activities. They come up with to do lists, or come up with awful ideas for activities, all so you have no sitting time. Their goal is to make sure your posterior is firm and shapely. Too much sitting makes it grow flat and blur the line between lower back and upper hamstring. My ass is absolutely undefined.

You're going to need more than that to foil my sitting 
plans! Nice try, though.
When all else fails, women will run out and purchase throw pillows. These are a plague. They show up on chairs, couches and even beds. I have never seen one in use. They are always removed before sitting. It might be moved to another chair, another couch cushion, on the floor, wherever, but it always needs to be moved because throw pillows are boomerang-esque in that they never fail to return to their original place. You can’t just move them once. Your best defense against these highly expendable accessories is to have so much seating that she runs, because she knows she will never be able to afford enough throw pillows to thwart your sitting pleasure.

Men caught onto this trick early on, and for legal reasons they couldn’t outlaw throw pillows but applied a great tax to them. This is why all throw pillows, despite being half the size of your regular bed pillow, are about five times the price. All because of the great Throw Pillow Tax of 1976. This is all true. Really, it’s disgusting. I won’t name names, but I know a woman who bought a $130 throw pillow. I am sure this was justified within her head, thinking that this would force her husband to perform over $130 worth of work with the time he wasted not sitting because the more the throw pillow costs, the more likely it is you will be yelled at for throwing it on the ground while you sit in its place. It’s like women never grew out of the invisible friend phase as a kid.

“You can’t sit there! Where’s Charles going to sit?!”

“… Who is Charles?”

“The pillow you just threw onto the floor!”

Bet you wish you had some more spots to sit right about now, don’t you?