Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Guide to Bachelorhood: Tip #8

Tip #8: Don’t Poofread Texts

Without knowing it, there’s a high chance that if you’re between 18-27, you probably send and receive between 60 and 100 texts a day on average. Did I make that statistic up? Yes. Yes, I did. Do I stand by it? Yes, I do. According to a 25 second Google search (don’t act like you have never based research off of one of those!) the average teen sends 80 texts a day. And I will be damned if we can’t beat those little punks in a text-off (Text-off = A made up competition involving comparisons of quantities of texts between two parties. I’ll work out the details of that incredibly boring competition at a later date)! And of those texts, 90% (also a made up stat) of them are to and from people you know very well and are familiar with and talk to regularly. But what about that other 10%?

Who do you text? Well, if you’re single: your close friends, your family, maybe some distant friends or classmates or coworkers, etc. But the rest of those? More than likely they’re mostly flirtatious texts. Everyone likes to flirt. It’s healthy, it’s fun, and according to a study by the McMadeup Institute, it extends your life by 17 years, makes you thinner and richer and generally makes you happier in life. Unfortunately, flirting can draw you in closer to the opposite sex and, in turn, draw them in to you jeopardizing your bachelorhood. As a counter attack, your main artillery is to text without thinking. Text without looking. Text without proofreading. Text recklessly.

Lammergeier: A bearded vulture that lives in
Europe, Africa, India and Tibet.
If you get a text from a girl, first and foremost, respond immediately. It screams desperation. Set response time records. As a matter of fact, after a bit of time, you can probably gauge her reactions to texts, or know what she will say or ask. So, set up a text in response to it and be ready to send it immediately so as not to waste any time. The only downside to that is that there is too much time available to think about that text and spell check. I say this because the best tip I can give you here is to just text the first thing that pops into your mind, no thinking and absolutely no spell checking. If you’re not smooth, you’re golden. It’s over before it starts. And in today’s age of the iPhone, and its autocorrecting self (I strongly recommend checking out, typing words like “shoulda” automatically “correct” to “should.” There’s a gigantic difference here. Suggesting a girl “shoulda” done something with you instead of what she actually did (ie “Shoulda come eat with me”) is immensely different than suggesting what she “should” do (ie “Should come eat with me”). Especially at 11pm when she doesn’t know very well.

Now that you have alienated yourself sufficiently right out of the gate, don’t let that slow you down! She could be one of those girls who enjoys taking their time and gives second chances. If you happen to be actively avoiding a relationship, you also happen to be trying to avoid these kinds of women. Lovely as they may be, they might also be the death of your bachelorhood. All of a sudden she has you explaining your text mishap and BAM, you’re back in the clear. At this point, stay strong. You can still damage relations. Ask yourself “What would North Korea do?” We all know the answer is “Be a country-sized jackass.” Again, the absolute best way to make a complete ass of yourself is to not read your texts before sending. And I am not talking about simply proofreading; I am talking about ignoring the context of what you’re sending. For instance:

What you want to say: “We should hang out soon,” and, independent of that, “Is your night getting better?”
What you text: “Let’s hang out this week.” Followed by “Is your night better now?”
What is conveyed: “You get to hang out with me! Aren’t you the lucky girl?”

What you want to say: “I am a talented sketch artist. Can I draw you?”
What you text: “I like to doodle. You should let me do you.”
What is conveyed: “I spit game like Leo on Titanic.”

What you want to say: “I had a party last weekend and I have left over snack meat. I was wondering if you had interest in coming over to help me eat it and watch a movie?”
What you text: “I have an abundance of sausage. Want to come over?”
What is conveyed:  “I pick up women the same way a greasy 48 year old chubby man would in a college bar.”

What you want to say: “It’s getting dark so early now days,” and, independent of that, “Do you want to go for a walk?”
What you text: “Man, it’s dark out. Want to go on a walk?”
What is conveyed: “There’s an 84% chance that I have interest in raping and/or killing you.”

Ultimately what reckless texting conveys is that you are a creeper and are to be logged into her phone as “Do Not Respond.” If you need motivation beyond maintaining bachelorhood, look no further than those “average teens” and knowing that time wasted proofreading is just putting you further behind them in your side quest of text-off supremacy! Additionally, winning and/or creating contests like the aforementioned “text-off” is an absolute deterrent to women, but that will be covered much later…