Friday, February 26, 2010

Guide to Bachelorhood: Tip #1

Recently, I participated in “No Shave November” with a coworker to promote prostate cancer awareness. I, unknowingly and simultaneously, also participated in raising “child molestation awareness” and “universal thanks for the death of the porn star moustache.” I accomplished a lot in November of 2009. But in all fairness to the aforementioned child molesters whose moustaches tell them to do horrible things, my moustache spoke to me at times too. I think I just have more willpower than child molesters. Or maybe just a less manipulative moustache. My moustache’s argument for me to molest children and not to shave it was unconvincing and I am glad to be baby faced yet again. On a semi-related note, my large, homemade balloon in the back yard often tells me to set it free and tell people there is a child on it so that I can attract media attention. I have refrained from that as well. During this whole process, I started thinking that I could probably write a long book on how to repel women by doing every day things like these. Or maybe a few notes from time to time instead. I could probably write a million of them. 
He doesn't have a unibr--- Ohhh. I see.
I am working on year 25 of being pretty much single the whole way through. That’s a quarter century. (Granted, for some of that I was learning how to walk and talk and then to read and write and such.) I have managed to accidentally stumble upon several things about bachelor life and how to maintain bachelorhood status, while in the process of trying to do pretty much the total opposite. So, I have decided to write about them when I think of them; the things that men should never do if they have any interest in a relationship. (Along the same lines, women should never encourage these things. I, by default, think significantly less of any women who promote, encourage or tolerate these things.) Some of these things are done by me consciously, some of them are things I don’t even give a second thought to, and some I never think that it will have a negative impact on me in the eyes of women. But these are things that I do and that very clearly ward off the opposite sex. I am not going to say that these are going to be helpful. As a matter of fact, I would say the converse is true. But it’s in my head, and as someone who once made me stare at the hairy ass crack of an overweight classmate once told me “If I had to see it, so did you.”

Without further ado here is my first item in my Guide to Maintaining Bachelorhood:

Tip #1: Grow a stache, just don’t let it talk you into anything bad.

Grow a moustache if you have light hair, strawberry blonde in particular. As a matter of fact, if you have strawberry blonde hair, absolutely always have one. Nothing says “No I will not make out with you!” quite like an eyebrow over your lip. It’s like a light colored unibrow fell down from your forehead. Make sure to keep it semi-long, but not “impressively awesome” long. There’s a difference. The difference is that some women are into awesome moustaches. Now to revert back to my logical mind, I submit to you this; All awesome moustaches on white men are long, but not all long moustaches on white men are awesome. (I threw in the word “white” because Will Smith can do whatever the hell he wants with his facial hair and I’d be okay with it. He could revive the Hitler Stache if he so pleased. Hitler ruined a perfectly good facial hairstyle, seriously, what a dick.) I can’t stress it enough. To be sure it never gets “impressively awesome,” feel free to thin it out if it’s growing in too thick. It works wonders.

To put it into perspective, think about the amazing men who have pulled this off in the past. Two immediately come to mind: Larry Bird who was briefly married in college (up until a man with hair like his could grow a nice women repelling stache) and divorced before he graduated, and Steve Prefontaine, who was never married (yes, he died at 24, but that’s a different tip in my Guide to Maintaining Bachelorhood). Bird didn’t remarry until after he peaked and was no longer a basketball God. He had had enough of being single. Never have there been any men who should have had success with women that would eclipse 99.9999% of men, yet fought it tooth and nail and emerged more victorious than these two. As a matter of fact, it mentally brings me to my knees to think about. It’s absolutely mindboggling. What is harder? Dominating your sport so emphatically that you will forever go down in history as one of the greatest of all time? Being able to be in the top .0001st percentile in success with women? Or being able to do the former and then avoid the latter? For Larry and Steve, it was simple. Just rock that stache. 

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