Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Guide to Bachelorhood: Tip #5

Tip #5: Eat Good Food

“Good food.” There’s no “correct” definition for it, but somehow, in America, it has become synonymous with “healthy food.” If that fact was someone’s Facebook status, and Facebook allowed “disliking,” I would create several accounts, just so I could dislike the status several times. Much like men, who wanted prettier women, created magazine campaigns with beautiful women in them to get women to want to be more like what they wanted, women created “health food” campaigns which make men think we need to eat healthier. Why? Because it lead to guys thinking “Man, this whole cooking and eating right stuff is a pain in the ass… I should find a girl and trick her into doing it for me.” It was brilliant.

Soon, single women across the nation were getting booty calls, demand for tasteless health food was through the roof for inexplicable reasons, and organic food prices were on the rise. The typical man was now cornered. He went shopping, saw health food, didn’t want to cook it, got a girlfriend, prices went up, and now she needs money for “groceries.” I am hip to your ways women! If you cook it and it tastes good, it didn’t cost much and you’re using the rest of that money for shoes!

Sure, that seems like a
reasonable lunch.
Yep, bachelors were going extinct quickly. And if you want to remain a bachelor, you have to shop like a bachelor. Women won’t admit to it, and they act like it’s a chore, but they want to cook for you. It’s all a charade, so you feel like you owe them. Damn it, they’re geniuses! The best way out of this pickle is to shop for yourself using my Six S’s of “good food” as a guideline:

Soups – Campbell’s Chunky Soup comes in bowls. You don’t even need a can opener, the lid doesn’t require one. Just a spoon and a microwave (and the soup, unless your microwave is magical). Besides, according to commercials, Donovan McNabb eats it and his mom makes it for him. If you live with your mom, you’re set for life on the bachelorhood front. Read no further.

Sandwiches – This gets tricky. It requires an initial investment in mayonnaise and mustard, which last for years. If they do happen to turn green, keep them. Garlic is to vampires what moldy condiments are to women.

Once you have said condiments, you can get pickles (which are not considered produce for these purposes), cheese, bread, and meat. The meat is tricky too. When you approach the deli guy, he’s got all kinds of questions, like “Can I get something for you?” or “What kind of salami? Genoa or hard?” Don’t let his voodoo trickery fool you. You want Genoa… Or hard. It doesn’t really matter. Pick one and stick to it. It’s a test; no one really knows what the difference is. I am convinced that there is no difference. He just wants to make you look like an idiot later when you choose one and he goes to get it and asks, “Which one did you want again?” and you can’t remember after you answered it so assuredly before. Asshole.

Sfrozen Foods – “It doesn’t start with an ‘S’,” my ass! It was supposed to. Put your tongue on something frozen and try to say a word that starts with ‘S’. When you fail, get back to shopping, because that definitely starts with ‘S’. Start digging deep and you will soon find the good stuff. They have ice cream, frozen pizza, hot pockets, Eggo waffles, all kinds of frozen dead animals and their delicious meat, and frozen dinners. It begs the question “Why aren’t fridges the other way around, where the freezer is 2/3 of the storage space?” (Answer: Women designed… Their plan is elaborate.)

That shit is a trap. I can tell.
Snacks – If you open the cupboard and don’t have chips, cookies AND (not or) cereal, be weary; there is trouble abound. Your go to staple foods are running out, soon you will look to the TV to tell you what to eat. Boom. All of a sudden you want healthy food and it’s all down hill from there. I’ve seen it a hundred times.

Chips provide the crunch for your sandwich (since lettuce has been removed in the P section, below). And if Safeway says a product is cheaper if you buy 12 of them, it’s more than just a suggestion. You need not just 20 E.L. Fudge elf shaped cookies, but 240! A small army of Keebler Elves has never hurt anyone. It’s protected them. From girlfriends.

Soda – Women are all about water with lemon. And coffee and tea. Avoid these beverages by having wonderful, cold, sugary, addictive beverages. Or beer. Women need hydration. It’s one of their weaknesses. Utilize it, they don’t have many. They are like human Death Stars. If you absolutely need to have something that hydrates, go with Gatorade. Not the watered down version either, as a matter of fact, mix some similarly colored Kool-Aid in for good measure.

That’s five… And… umm…

Stuff That Comes in a Container You Can Eat Out of – Frozen pot pies that come in the bowl, the Chunky Soup Previously mentioned, Ben & Jerry-sized ice cream, anything that makes it clear there’s a high probability that if someone asks for food, they are going to be eating it from a paper container or with their hands.

Conversely, don’t purchase any of the P’s


It is essential to not have any sort of cook wear or produce. If you buy that, the next thing you know you’re eating a home cooked meal with your new girlfriend thinking about how you have to do dishes now.

Why can't you be more like
"Sfrozen" and start with 'S'?!
I know, many of us don’t want to go grocery shopping, but I love it. It keeps the junk food supply abundant and the women sparse. It might seem intimidating, but it’s cake (coincidentally, cake would have been on the list had it started with an “S”).

Lastly, when you get to the store, you’ll need a cart. Don’t grab a basket; women are the only people who go to stores for few enough items to warrant basket usage. Once you wrestle with the row of carts and start wondering if your cart is broken, rest assured that it’s not. Carts are just not functional. Personally, I can’t blame them for not maintaining the carts, if you look at the wheels, they always have a Barbie dolls head worth of hair on the axel. Women’s hair. And women are everywhere, be on the look out. (Fun Fact: Margaret Katz designed the grocery cart in 1937 and made sure the wheels collected the hair off the floor. Since no one listened to women in 1937, her husband Sylvan Goldman has always been credited with the invention so it had merit.)

You’ll be fine if you stick with my Six S’s. Women don’t shop for those things and are never in those sections. It’s as easy as that. Plus, you get to ride the cart like an oversized skateboard and then chest pass it from 20 yards out and see if you can get it to go into the cart return without slamming someone’s vehicle. And if it does, you’re already 20 yards away anyway. Run. Especially if it’s a cute, produce-wielding, good smelling, chef of a woman.

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