Guide to Bachelorhood: Tip #4

Tip #4: Embrace the lame.

I’ve never been much for house parties, clubbing or bars and such. Which, to most people, translates to “the fun stuff.” Consequently, I am pretty sure I am not considered the most “fun” guy. In fact, one might even use the word “lame” to describe me. Girls hate lame. One can be lame in a variety of ways (mollestaches, liking things women like, having a ridiculous diet, etc.), but being actively lame by women’s standards needs to be done properly. Luckily, I have it perfected.

As the saying goes, “Girls just want to have fun.” It’s cliché, but it’s true. Who doesn’t know that? There’s a catchy song and everything. Women are like their own brand of human and their advertisements are that Cyndi Lauper song if it were played over the Vegas ads on TV (the ones with the party montages, not the ones where people fake holidays to get out of work). On repeat. For eternity. It was predestined. Even before instruments existed, cavewomen had that song stuck in their head. It is a little known fact that the Y chromosome contains immunity to enjoying that song. Adam had a lobotomy when Eve wouldn’t stop humming it and from then on, men were then created with equal hatred for the song. Several of the previous statements may or may not be true, but the first one stands. What does this mean for you? That’s simple. You have two options: you can avoid fun altogether, or you can learn to have fun doing things that women hate. Assuming you haven’t had any part of your brain removed, you have probably chosen to go with Option Two, embracing the lame. Good choice!

Now, we already know the key things we can invest time into to ward off women. If you want a woman to leave the room, turn on ESPN, cartoons, a non-romantic comedy or a videogame. But this is becoming increasingly more difficult now days. Now, more than ever, women are embracing sports and, in some cases, videogames. Women are seeping into the cracks of the things they hate so they can pretend to like them in an attempt to drive us away from these activities. So now, much like the black population changes slang words once white people start to butcher them by trying to sound cool, men need to adjust our entertainment sources to keep women the hell out.

Panama City Beach, Spring Break 2007!!!

Personally, I have always been a huge proponent of board games. I have also always been single. Now, I can’t definitively say that there is a direct correlation between the two, but I can say that I do have hard evidence to support that claim. Once, in a public speaking class, for an informative speech, I chose Uno (the card game) and its many variations as my topic. 60% of the class was female. 60% of the class stared at me like I was an idiot. Guess which 60% that was… I’ll be waiting for you at the next paragraph when you’ve made your guess.

(I am not dignifying your guess by revealing the correct answer.) Bachelors, I submit to you this: Board games can solve the above mentioned problems. I am not talking about poker either. There’s nothing wrong with poker, but women are too enticed by it. It’s too mainstream. They even televise it when real sports aren’t being played on ESPN. And at 3am. Nothing turns a girl off quicker than “Hey, instead of me taking you to dinner and a movie, do you want to come over and play some Scrabble and order pizza?” That’s the end of the conversation. Nothing more need be said. (On a side note, if you need to gamble, why not switch to Tonk? You might remember it from such gambling debts as “Gilberts Gotta Gun” and “Barkley Blows Bankroll.” Apparently the game my family from the South has always loved has surfaced as one of the issues behind the NBA gambling problem. I am afraid to play with my Grandma now for gun related violence concerns.)

The great part of this strategy is that it’s not going to have to change again. With sports, women can sack up and dive in and learn because there’s nothing other than “it’s boring to watch, let’s watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade” keeping them away from it. There are no actual obstacles between women and liking sports. If anything, members of the opposite sex running around and dominating each other should be enticing them. They are learning this. Whereas with board games, we’re set for life. You can whip out a deck of cards and play some Solitaire to drive her off. There are so many aspects that have an innate ability to immediately repulse women from board games:

Rules:

Women make their own rules and have no interest in following yours, the department of licensing or Hasbro’s. Fortunately, there is a rule book. This renders “You killed my army because you rolled a higher number than me? That’s stupid,” a pointless argument. I am not giving you pity because Cyndi Lauper replaced the part of your brain that processing logical reasoning with that song when human beings came to be. This rule book may be written in broken English in some places, but we both know what “First, it the first player turn to roll die first,” means. And no, you don’t get to go first because you have more ovaries and less testicles than me.

Duration:

Now, I am sure some women will read this and think, “Hey, I like board games!” But I have yet to meet a girl that has any interest in playing Risk. And very few that enjoy Monopoly. Why? Because they take for-ev-er. Do you know who cares very little about how long a game takes on a Friday night? Someone who doesn’t have parties and bars to go to, that’s who. It’s funny how many women have issues with some things taking too long and some things not taking long enough. The length of the game gets them every time. Which is strange, because I always thought it was about width. Man I hope my Grandma doesn’t read this...

Names:

The biggest potential repellant of a woman from a board game has to be the name. The names of everything in the game can work against it (or for it, depending on how you look at it). There are several different name categories that provide shelter from women. Some names can scare them away based on the nerd factor (The Settlers of Cattan). Some can relieve you of their presence simply by virtue of the terminology of the game (“Your level four Elf is no match for my level 7 Trogdor the Burninator!”). And most importantly, the inherently dirty sounding names of some games (Quelf, Bonkers, Parcheesi, Mancala, Scrabble, Tonk, etc.). Again, Tonk is highly recommended…

So give it some thought, find a game you enjoy that has all of these elements and then submerge yourself in it with your friends. You’ll be shacked up with four other single men on a Saturday night racking up gambling debts instead of out socializing in no time. I can promise your immediate shelter from pretty girls. I can’t think of too many situations where it wouldn’t sound out of place for a girl to exclaim “Man, I wish we had a few more people here so we could get some good Mexican Train going!” Well, save for the set of some sort of X rated film or NBA All-Star Weekend.